Sunday, December 23, 2007

Get a sandwich....this is a long read

Even though I keep busy with knitting Socks For Soldiers, I still have too much time on my hands to think about the things I miss.

I miss my father:
My mom and dad divorced when I was 6. I am the oldest of 3 girls.
He would visit us each weekend and make us dress up nice. We were reminded about where to place our feet when we got in his car.
Even if the cup was too big or the liquid too hot, we were not allowed to hold it with two hands or "slurp". He was very strict and almost everything I did irritated him. I got to thinking he didn't like me.
I turned 19 and lived a few streets from him. That's the year he disowned me (it's now been 30 years). I wrote him a while later and got the letter back with his handwriting on it - "Refused. Return to sender."
It was unopened.
Like a glutton for punishment, I wrote him for the next 5 years without a return address label. I didn't hear back from him.
Just two years ago, I made a birthday card for him with a picture of me (when I was 6) on the front. Inside, I just wrote that I loved him and missed him. I included my address.
I didn't hear back.

I miss my first husband:
Mike and I married when I was 21 and he was 34. Two months later, he turned 35.
He was a nice man and we were always interested in what the other person was interested in. Here's one of many stories: He was a city boy and I, a country girl. We had some chickens and he asked me, one day, where the egg came out of the chicken. I was giggling inside when I took him outside, picked up a hen and held her upside down. Her little bottom was right there for all to see and Mike gasped with disgust saying, "Oh, that's disgusting! I'm never eating another egg!"
Well, he did eat eggs after that. :)
Why do I miss him? I realized that not all men were like my father. Mike was nice, caring, protective and loving. I lost a part of my life when he was shot and killed 2 days before our 5th wedding anniversary. He was a deputy.

I miss my first child:
Jacob was born to me in 1985. I remember when I was leaving the hospital and sitting in the car waiting for them to place him in my arms. I was thinking - I don't know how to take care of him and they're trusting him to me! I was so scared but things worked out. He was such a good baby.
I got to have him for 3 1/2 years until his father legally took him from me. I was moving to another state and he had me served with papers preventing me from taking Jacob out of state.
I was already packed and just leaving when I was served. I looked around in shock and then noticed Jacob's father leaning against his car grinning and waving.
Another part of my life was lost.
Lots of stuff happened in between after I moved. I was also going through a divorce from my second son's father who left us when our son was a month old.
My heart hurts to this day with the loss of Jacob. I can never get it back.

I miss my attorney friend:
I met Randy Walker, after I became a Reserve Police Officer, in 1990. He was the prosecuting attorney for the City. We just hit it right off and had a long platonic relationship.
He divorced years later. About a year after that he met and rekindled his friendship with a widow that he knew in kindergarten. How cool is that?! He asked me to knit him a pair of kilt hose in his clan colors to wear in his wedding to Pam. He bought the yarn and pattern and I was more than honored to knit them up. Just about 2 years later, at the age of 56, he made Pam a widow again. I think I cried a long time and not just for myself. Sure I miss my dear friend but I can imagine the loss Pam felt. They were so good for each other.

Well, that's enough for today since I have started crying!
Another day, I'll write what I am thankful for (which is a great deal!).

Thank you for visiting my blog. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!


  1. Well, Maria, I got a little teary reading that myself. What a life you have had and what a wonderful person it has turned you into. I am so sorry for the bad things that happened to you and wish I could take them away. Thank you for sharing that with us.
    love you,

  2. Thanks, Bonnie.
    Life sometimes gets in the way but something good comes out of almost everything bad. It just takes time to "see" it. Sometimes, it takes a loooong time.
    Everyone has a story and everyone is me.

  3. Oh Maria. How I wanted to cry as I read your post I can't fathom some of your hurts, but really can relate to others. hang in there. Seems that the holidays bring out the blue-sy feeling in us all. Sending hugs your way

  4. Maria, I too miss my father, he died 15 years ago and his birthday was this last Friday. I have been thinking about him all weekend. I miss my only son also. We have a dysfunctional relationship. He lives out of state and have only seen him once in about 7 years. The holidays tend to bring these sad thoughts to mind. I too have to think of things I am so thankful for. There are quite a few. For one, I am thankful for you sharing your life with us. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and that the new year brings you happiness. Hugs and kisses!

  5. That is so incredible sad! I wish you all the best!

  6. Things about you I never knew, plus things I did. I hope one day the holes in your heart and mine can heal. Thank you for sharing a part of you that is so tender.


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